Seriously? We Do Not Have Our Own Reality Show, Why???

This particular tale of woe has nothing to do with the dogs, but since this is a blog about dogs, I will be sprinkling a few cute pics in just to keep you interested.    If it gets to the point there are just too many words, page down to the video.  You might get a chuckle.

Work it for me Gracie!
Work it for me Gracie!

Here’s the thing: occasionally, and by occasionally, I mean maybe once or twice a summer, sometimes more, sometimes less, I have these, for lack of a better word, attacks.   They have only ever happened in summer.

First I get the far away headache, followed by amoebas floating before my eyes.  Then comes the more severe headache, the severe dizziness, and of course, for fun, let’s add in the extreme nausea.  This part is a little strange, but hey, why not throw it all out there:  The dizziness changes between ‘can’t stand up’ dizzy to, kid you not, the sensation that I’m shrinking (I just tell it like I feel it).  I’m not necessarily hot when this all happens, but I have an overwhelming craving to be cold.   And yet even more freaky, after an hour or so huddled in a fetal position, in a cold location – BAM! – It’s as if nothing ever happened.

Of course there are variations, but most of the time, because it always happens at work, I simply curl up in the back seat of my truck, with the AC blasting, wait it out, and then go back to work.

Once, it happened when I was working with a crew.   The guys were sufficiently alarmed, and I was dragged to an ER where I was promptly diagnosed, without any tests whatsoever mind you, as being hysterical, a Valium prescription written and I was sent on my way.  I never filled that prescription.

Another time, the ‘attack’ seemed worse than usual.  I had to call Crabby to come get me and take me home.

The one common denominator in all of these attacks:  Lay down, stay cold, wait it out, and maybe an hour later – BAM!  As if nothing ever happened.

Well, it happened again yesterday.  It was the same, but different.   That it happened outside of summer – well that’s just new.

This will forever be my most favorite picture of Maude.  She loved her Dad so much and was always happiest when he was with her.
This will forever be my most favorite picture of Maude. She loved her Dad so much and was always happiest when he was with her.

There I was, fixing an irrigation valve, when suddenly and without warning, I started feeling dizzy.  I kept at it, when – BAM! – it was as if someone hit me on the side of the head with a sledge-hammer.  I had migraines when I was younger, so I know what the real deal is, and honestly, this wasn’t one of them.  But it was sure darned close!   If that wasn’t bad enough, the stomach, with equal suddenness, began lurching, and not in a good way.  Curiously, the amoebas didn’t come until later.

Been there, done that before, and the property owner was not home.  The back lawn was pretty cool and fluffy, so that’s where I went to lay down, in a nice cold shady spot.  The severity of the headache had me pretty tense, and my stomach was somewhere between seriously painful, burning hunger and the feeling that projectile vomiting was on the near horizon.  In other words, this was shaping up to be a bad one.  This was going to be #3 of all the attacks I’ve had that I was unable to work through.

After slowly getting up, and doing some self diagnostics as to my ability to drive, I decided I could make a run for it to get home.  The drive was going very well, until, suddenly, and without warning, there goes the stomach – and not in a place where I could hide it in the bushes.  Just as suddenly came the realization I could go no further safely, driving a truck and towing a 16 foot trailer.

Alas, in front of me: A Carls Jr./Convenience Store.   The perfect location to park and wait it out, and more importantly, a bathroom with cool running water.

I parked, went into the Ladies Room,  started running the water at the sink, fell to my knees and then had to crawl to the handicapped stall.  There was nothing left in my stomach to lose, but it didn’t mean my body didn’t try.  And when my stomach settled, I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of exhaustion.  Yup, I went right down on the floor, the sweet, blessedly cold floor, in the handicapped stall, in a convenience store bathroom.  (There was a very hot, soapy shower, that may or may not have involved bleach later – so I think I might survive anything that I have picked up from the floor!)

Last chance to see Two Eye'd Hector.  He gets his stitches out tomorrow.  From then on in, he's One Eye'd Hector.
Last chance to see Two Eye’d Hector. He gets his stitches out tomorrow. From then on in, he’s One Eye’d Hector.

Here’s how this should have worked out from that point:

The handicapped stall was large.  Therefore, I was able to curl up far enough away from the door or the side wall for anyone to see me.  Just be quiet, wait it out, like the other attacks, for it too shall pass.  If it didn’t, I could calmly call Crabby to come get me, he would call me when he arrived, I would meet him at the Ladies Room door, he would help me to the truck, we would go home, the angels would sing.

But this is 2014, and we are Run A Muck Ranch.  As you know, 2014 does not like us.

When the condition got worse, not better, I called Crabby to come get me.   My head was in the lower level migraine range – not something I would wish on anyone, my speech was slurring, and for the life of me, I couldn’t even get up on an elbow.

I did not realize someone else had entered the Ladies Room and heard my telephone conversation with Crabby.  Apparently that same individual fled the Ladies Room and sounded the alarm at the cash register.  This lead to a customer and a convenience store worker standing on the adjoining stall toilet to break into the stall I was in.

As I was attempting to assure people my husband was on the way to get me, I received a call from Crabby.  We’ve had a cracked tail light on the Ranger for maybe a decade with no issues, but apparently on that particular day at that particular time,  Scottsdale PD decided it would be just groovy to pull Crabby over on it.

I relayed Crabby’s situation and location to the worried onlookers, who by this time included not just the 2 ladies standing on the adjoining toilet, but 2 male Carl’s Jr. employees just standing outside the stall door, staring at me.   Too many people, in too small a space, during a situation where I was so embarrassed, if I could have flushed myself down the toilet, I would have!

I haven't mentioned our little Shrew lately.  For those who have been wondering, once a Run A Muck Ranch kid, always a Run A Muck Ranch kid.  Marcy  is still here!
I haven’t mentioned our little Shrew lately. For those who have been wondering, once a Run A Muck Ranch kid, always a Run A Muck Ranch kid. Marcy is still here!

I assure you, readers, I would have given anything for the ability to have gotten off that floor, but I could barely move.  It took all my strength just to get into the sitting position.  The mind was crystal clear, but I couldn’t get the body parts to cooperate, and I was losing further the ability to communicate.

Then came the Storm Troopers:  not 1, not 2, but 6 (six) firemen, all decked out for a 5 alarm fire.  Yup, someone did the ole’ 911 on me.   Crabby arrived seconds later.  (As an aside here, if not for being pulled over and having his pertinents reviewed by the police officer, Crabby would have arrived before the Fire Department, we would have made it home, and the angels would have sung.)

Why it was necessary to send an entire Engine is beyond me.  Why the population of the entire Engine had to enter the Ladies Room – clueless.

Apparently, the arrival of the entire Station House alarmed me a little, and in my compromised state, I started to shake, just a touch (see video below for clarification).  God help the female who might shake some as it is a clear indication she is having an anxiety attack!

Over and over I was asked if I had chest pains, over and over I said no, though the head – it was getting ready to explode at that point.   I wistfully thought about the TV depiction of rescue personnel – kind, caring and soothing, and thought about how different it was from real life – The one who did all the talking – I felt like I was in danger of being arrested.   Maybe he needs a dog in his life…  that might mellow him a little.

The scary part of all this – my mind was clear as a bell, but I couldn’t get the words to come out or the body parts to do what I wanted them to.  Trust me when I tell you this:  An actual migraine would be preferred.

As soon as the Hysterical Card was laid on me, however, RAGE gave me the strength to overcome enough to stand and walk out with Crabby. Feeding on that very same rage, I think I was quite articulate in several statements using language that would make a sailor blush as we were making our way to the truck.

I don't talk about Franky very much.  I'll do better in the future.
I don’t talk about Franky very much. I’ll do better in the future.

We made it home safe, and against Crabby’s wishes, my preferred collapsing location was the bedroom floor rather than the bed.

A little while later, I was stirred from my unconscious state by the bedroom door being nearly ripped from the hinges.   The kids wanted in BADLY!  I had no idea how long I had been home, so at first I was touched by the worry.  Turns out, I was out for an hour and half, and we were getting precariously close to supper time. The thought of having Crabby feed them was just too big a risk for the kids to take, so they did the only thing they could do to insure the proper supper routine, and their very survival:  Wake Mom from the dead.

Crabby had been feverishly searching the net for potential diagnoses, as well as making calls to the insurance company nurses.  Mini-strokes, some kind of diabetic seizure and complications relating to hypo tension were discussed.

The stroke part freaked me out more than little, but the more I think about it, the more I think it couldn’t be the case.  Remember, this has happened before, just not this bad.  If these were mini strokes, I would have already had a full-blown one by now.

I would have thought if diabetes were an issue, it would have been diagnosed years ago.

If I had to guess anything, I would go hypo tension.  My blood pressure is so low, I’m barely alive.  It really hasn’t been an issue, except when I stand up too fast, lay with my head horizontal to my body, lay with my head lower than my body, ride as a passenger in a car, plane, boat, stand on a dock, snorkel, go on amusement park rides, do anything where my head is down, you know, things I wouldn’t do ‘normally’.

Another thought:  I actually had to take some layers off  when I was fixing that valve – and it was only in the 70’s.  I was sweating buckets.  Maybe I just dehydrated, and it spiraled out of control from there.

You really didn't expect one of the random dog pics NOT to be Willy, did you?
You really didn’t expect one of the random dog pics NOT to be Willy, did you?

Many, many years ago, I tried to get medical help for a problem.  I was told to get therapy.  The problem became problem(s).  I tried to get help again, same result.  Over and over.  Not a single diagnostic test ever done.   Finally the problems(s) (yes, more ‘s’s) got so bad I couldn’t function, so I jumped onto WebMD and looked for common health issues that would cause doctors to look in the areas I was showing symptoms.  Armed with symptoms I didn’t have, I marched into yet another doctor’s office.  Sure enough, the common problems, I didn’t have, but they did notice problems in adjacent areas – you know, the places I actually had symptoms.   I spent the next several months undergoing 11 surgeries and procedures to fix the medical issues I had previously hallucinated, working with specialists who you could only reach by referral.  The specialists knew my issues weren’t new, and as a result, because I didn’t seek help sooner – I should really get therapy since ‘obviously’ I was not of a mental state to take care of myself.

Perhaps the previous paragraph would lead the reader to better understand the ‘rage’ I described earlier when the firemen immediately went to the darkside????

I don’t have a primary care doctor – I’ll give you 3 guesses why I avoid all contact with medical care providers.  Chances are, your first guess is correct.   Where the first group of ‘doctors’ believed me to be a hypochondriac, the second batch believed be to be a sadist with a death wish.

Unless I absolutely can not palliate the condition myself (i.e. the recent corneal tear), and it affects my ability to work, I don’t even try.   When I do try, THAT is when I wish I had filled some of the many sedative prescriptions offered to me back when I believed health care was possible.

I made several calls today trying to get an appointment with any doctor.  Though I’m really not buying the stroke idea, better to be safe than sorry.  Unfortunately, making an appointment with a doctor anymore involves leaving a message in the “Appointment Overflow Voicemail”, stating your symptoms.  Apparently doctors pick and choose who they want to treat now.   So far no return calls.  I’ll try a few more tomorrow.  If I never do get checked out, I can’t be blamed for not trying!

Until then, I have a brandy new Medical Crazy Card, already punched by the Firemen.


31 thoughts on “Seriously? We Do Not Have Our Own Reality Show, Why???

    1. No, that’s not right. If there was an asteroid, it wouldn’t have missed us, at least not the way 2014 has gone so far!

    1. See, now, back when I was having health issues before, and we’re talking mid to late 90’s, the (several) doctors believed I was paranoid, and that’s why they always sent me away with tranquilizers. I held out until 2006 before I decided to try inventing symptoms that might make me be taken seriously.

      That the firemen immediately decided my ‘problem’ was anxiety attacks just seems to me to be a foreshadowing of what’s to come if I actually do find a doctor who’s taking new patients.

  1. Sheesh – taking herself for all these tests and running back and forward to hospital is a “walk in the park” by comparison. Herself is really in no major danger unless the blood loss becomes too much – and that wont happen 2014 has not started well, but, surely to goodness, it can only get better. Anyway, just because I am paranoid does not mean that the men in the shadows are not trying to get me. Nice to see Gracie.

    1. No worries about this end. I worked a whole summer without mentioning I had a broken arm (un casted) to any of my clients, I’ve been bitten by snakes twice (1 bull, 1 rattler) and never missed a day of work, back when I was having surgeries, I was slit open and had an overnight stay on Wednesday, on Friday I was trimming a tree, on a ladder, in my Pirates of the Caribbean slippers. I even re-set a dislocated finger on a job site, with the help of a passing nurse, and went right back to work. Nothing keeps me down for long.

  2. Some migraines can do that. My niece loses all function on her right side during a migraine and one cousin was put in the hospital for 3 days while suffering from a migraine. I get them occasionally, but I also suffer from menieres and can go from fine to head spinning dizziness/nausea in less than 60 seconds. I keep both advil and a high potency/nausea meclizine on me at all times.

    1. I used to get the headache migraines when I was a younger pup. Then they just went away.

      Even before I read this comment I was thinking some type of atypical migraine because there was a ‘hangover’ effect from this episode. When I used to get migraines, I had the same ‘hangover’. I vaguely remember hearing there were different types.

      If what I have been having are a weird migraine, I do prefer them to the ones I used to get, as long as I don’t end up on a public bathroom floor with 6 firefighters standing over me telling me I’m having an anxiety attack!

  3. Had a lot of problems with exhaustion,like the energy couldn’t think straight words and pictures I could see in my mind but not get out of my a stroke..night vision went depth perception..turned left onto a median with my car,headaches blinders and I have had meningitis twice so I know about migraines,pins and needles random crap I was a mess..Dr said menopause…could have slapped him stupid!!!…ended up seeing a female gp who did bloods and said no menopause been and gone..did some quick tests in her office..Fibromyalgia..most likely due to either the two meningitis infections or the delightful LIPITOR I was slapped on since I was 40 for High cholesterol…lucky the same company that made said Lipitor now provides the meds for Fibro..not depressed never have been not lazy far from it and not menopausal…hormones are screwed but not the cause..get it checked my sweet!! Pee ess…I shouldn’t but it is a damn funny life…and oddly mine mirrors it 😉 Fozziemum

    1. If you want to give me the doctor’s name and address, I still have a little pent up rage I need to let out. I don’t think Y chromosome people realize how often hormones are blamed for, well, just about everything and just how frustrating it gets.

      Oh, my bad, it isn’t frustration, it’s ‘hysteria’ or ‘anxiety’. My bad!

      1. Ahh yes hormones are to blame for broken legs to I am sure!! having a lovely fibro attack at the moment hence my late response..i do hope you feel better nothing worse than drs giving you the kybosh! yeah hysteria …hmmmm pfft 🙂

  4. Oh geez. I am so sorry. *gentle hugs* I get migraines with nausea, sensitivity to light and sound. It’s gotten worse over the years and has lasted 24 hours. I’ve had them since I was 16 so I know how to handle it. Maybe you have migraines with low blood sugar? I’ve had issues with my blood sugar where I would just crash like I’ve run a marathon or start shaking really bad. I’ve been lucky enough to see my Dr fairly quickly and not been told I’m a nut case…so far. I’m just hoping you take care of yourself and can find something to ease the symptoms.

    1. They actually checked my blood sugar yesterday. He said it was fine. Since I can’t eat when I work, and I hadn’t eaten all day, I was kind of hoping they would find me to be severely hypoglycemic. No luck, even my (personal ) high blood pressure 124/80 (as opposed to normal 80’s and 90’s over 60’s and 50’s) was within normal range. The 109 pulse, not sure if that was the first or second reading – that was from being crowded by people I didn’t ask for, when all I needed was for Crabby to take me home.

      Clearly, just a hysterical woman having a panic attack in a bathroom!

      Not quite as out of it as people thought…

      1. Never a simple solution. We’re still befuddled over the causes of Vito’s seizures!

  5. My heart and prayers go out to you! I hope you get some answers. In my experience, a migraine can do what you’ve described. Also, migraine does not necessarily include any head pain. I pray you never have that experience again!

    1. Thanks for the thoughts, but there is a history. Chances are it will happen again. Hopefully, though, it will happen not in an area where I can’t pull off and hide somewhere!

  6. Once the medical profession gets you in its grasp-it’s ka-ching, ka-ching, let the cash register ring. I wish you were as easy to fix as that tail light. You might try moving to Antarctica, you’d have the market cornered and be the only landscaper on the entire continent. I wish I could do something useful other than commiserate, but I can’t.

  7. I vote cluster headaches. I also share your distrust of the medical profession. I think they are serious when they say they are “practicing” medicine. I suggest finding a Reiki practioner. Years ago, I sought help for headaches and was told it was probably stress. That seems to be a common problem for people with vaginas. All of our medical issues are in our heads. Good luck with finding ways to keep your “spells” at bay. Be good to yourself. *hug*

    1. Love your on point depiction Lorain! I find it funny, though, that the gender that has to take care of house and home, in sickness and and health, 24/7, without fail, is judged by the gender that falls into death throws if they get a sniffle!

  8. Dang Crazy Lady, looks like you picked the most appropriate internet handle, lol. Seriously, it sounds like you are having severe migraines, which don’t have to manifest themselves with a serve headache. I have them, no auroras, but the light, sound and smell are the devil when I have one and it puts me in out. My sister is the same way, but has auroras out of this world. A lady I work with has auroras but no headache or sensitivities. Hers are called silent migraines. Now having said all of that, you need a GP to recommend you to a neurologist because unfortunately they (neurologist) think they are special and don’t need to see us without referrals. You need a brain scan to see if there’s anything ‘dangerous’ going on in that head of yours besides the normal crazies, grin. I find it odd that not one of your dogs have picked up on this chemical imbalance (that’s what is going on) and is able to warn you. Our Teddy Bear which passed away from cancer this past October, was the alerter for me and my sister. He would jump up and sit down beside us, put his head in our lap and just stare at us. If we got up, he followed and planted himself beside us. He started that from the time we brought him home at 4 months, he had no training, but was a call 24/7, smile. Now we have no one to alert us so we can’t get ahead of it. I just know one of your babies would know when it is coming on, but it does you no good if they aren’t with you all the time. Please take care of you!!!! I just found a friend who’s as crazy about animals as I am, I can’t lose you, too. Smile. [oh, i’m waiting to see Hector’s pirate patch on him, lol.]

    1. Since I have a history of a different kind of migraines, I’m with you on a possibility that this is a new manifestation. At least this one comes and goes relatively quick. When I used to get them when I was younger, I would be floored for days.

      As far as the dogs warning me of an attack: You forget my dear, WE ARE THE SLAVES, they are the Elite. To pre-warn would be precariously close to doing something of measurable value. None of the kids wants to be caught doing that!

      Some day, yes, we will have Pirate Hector, it’s just not in the finances right now. He did get his stitches out today though, and is doing great!

  9. That’s what I ask me too. You should get your own show! Your video was just great! But jokes apart, I hope you will find a cure and you will find a doctor who can help. Please take care of yourself.

    1. It just seems like there are so many shows out there celebrating people behaving badly. How about one about people who don’t? Lord knows there’s quite a bit of material right here at The Ranch!

  10. Leave it to you two to actually make that horrible scary story have a funny ending. I can’t imagine how awful that must have been. Well actually yes I can, you did a brilliant job of illustrating that. My love to you both and all the pups too.

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