The problem with Emmi’s sleep habits was summed up previously in
Of late, however, Emmi has decided to turn it up a notch or 3.
For the past 2 weeks, Emmi has bent over backward (literally! see Reverse Drape in the link) to make absolutely sure The Crazy Dog Lady can not sleep.
Emmi has been going through every sleep position in her repertoire, every hour on the hour, with an emphasis on sleep kicking and roll and flops, but curiously absent any puppy cuddles. Indeed, she has added to her maneuvers thusly:
To the Reverse Drape she has added the Shimmy. This means she gets into the Reverse Drape position, then Shimmys like a snake until she reaches the exact location on my person that gives her the best lumbar support. By the time Emmi has found the “Just Right” position, you can be rest assured I am no longer in a restful slumber.
To the Sucker Punch she has added the sub-catagorical Knee Sucker Punch. Apparently, sometimes it’s just too much effort to leave the Reverse Cuddle position to commence sucker punches. But Emmi is a smart girl. She’s learned that the front knees are quite adequate to deliver punches, said punches must be executed in upward thrusts. As the recipient of the new Knee Sucker Punch, I can attest to the fact that there is nothing more endearing that having one such punch delivered to your chin, causing you to bite your tongue, all while you were, emphasis on were, in a deep sleep.
The Roll and Flops have gotten much more creative. Emmi is now rolling and flopping top and bottom in opposite directions. One would think that the since the sleeper is only victim to half the power of the full Roll and Flop, the effect would only be half. Nope. Something about the opposite wind up gives a little extra kick to the body parts landing in your person. It has become the Roll and Karate Chop.
I am not even going to go into the number of times I have awaken, choking on one of Emmi’s feet that she has so carefully stuck in my mouth….
I can already hear you saying, “Crazy, just kick her off the bed!”.
Unfortunately, Emmi can jump up on her own. No amount of threats will keep her from her intended sleep location once she hears the deep breathing of sleeping humans. And for each kick-off-the-bed of that occurs in the night, comes a notched up “Emmi’s Revenge’ when she jumps back up.
“Duh! Crazy Dog Lady, don’t let her in the bedroom!”. If only it were so easy.
Any other dog, we can close a door and they don’t care. Emmi on the other hand, inherited the same “Door Gene” as Slugger. Apparently, in their biological family, to be on either side of a closed interior door is “Horrifying!”. If she can’t get in, she will BREAK THE DOOR DOWN!.
I will admit, I am inching closer and closer to breaking out a crate at this point. Thing is, Emmi has co-dependance issues. She has never been alone and NEVER sleeps alone – if hot a human, she cuddles to a dog. She is THE Social Butterfly of Run A Muck Ranch and to prevent her from her life-sustaining snuggles would break her heart. Take it from me, Emmi’s broken heart eyes are, well, let me put it this way: Even Crabby the Bitter Man can’t defend against them.
People say living with 12 dogs still doesn’t compare with raising 1 human child. To them I say this: At least with a human child your CONSECUTIVE sleepless nights end after several month. Since Emmi is required to live forever, I will never sleep again!
But I wouldn’t trade her for the world 🙂