Feed Time at Run A Muck Ranch

I don’t get it.  We have a very simple feeding regimen at Run A Muck Ranch.  When I feed, it goes with miliary precision.  When The Crabby Man feeds, everything collapses into chaos.  All Crabby has to do is follow some very simple instructions and he too can enjoy a nice, relaxing feed time at the Ranch.  Even the dogs know the routine.

I ask you, the reader, if you do not agree just how simple feeding at the Ranch can be:

Gracie Chillin'
Gracie Chillin’.


(I)  Timing is key in these instructions.  Any attempt to change any order(s) will disrupt the process.

(II)  Parentheses () indicate a.m. elements, brackets {} indicate p.m. elements.  Those elements that have neither parenthesis nor brackets indicate the same procedure for both a.m. and p.m.

(III)  The “garage” refers to the 3rd bedroom.  The door is on a bungee system where dogs can let themselves out when they are done eating.  The bathroom and office have normal doors that must be manipulated by humans.

Let us begin:

1.  Place 1.5 cups dog food in a bowl, take said bowl with 1 tablet Fluconozole and 1 bravery treat to Angus, who prefers to dine under the sky, just outside the back door.  Do not attempt to give the pill in a treat as Angus has learned to eat around the pill and spit it out, thereby earning a second treat.  It is just easier to go old school giving him the pill first then the treat.

2.  {Feed horses in the arena}.

3.  Place 1 heaping and 1 level cup of food in a large bowl.  Add 1.5 tab Glucosamine.  Fill bowl to brim with water.  Place in garage with Sarah.

4.  Prepare 1 bowl with 1/2 cup, 1 with 1/3 cup and 1 with 3/4 cup dog food.

5.  Place 3 cubes of frozen fish food in measuring cup, add aquarium water and microwave for exactly 19 seconds.

Willy in one of his most favorite places.

By now, Angus should have finished eating.  Double check to be sure.  By the time you are walking back down the hall, Sarah will meet you beneath the pill counter, but don’t give her her pill yet.  Sometimes Angus needs a little more time to finish eating.

6.  Place bowl with 1/3 cup food in garage with Vito.

7.  Place bowl with 3/4 cup food in bathroom with Hector.

8.  Place bowl with 1/2 cup food in office with Franky.

9.  Give Sarah 1.5 tabs Fluconozole in a treat.  Escort her outside.

10.  Prepare bowl with 1.5 cups food and fill with water.

11. By now Vito is in the kitchen.  Do not make eye contact.  When he gets close to you, grab him and take him outside.  If he gets past you, you will spend the next 10 minutes trying to catch him and it will throw the rest of the routine out of whack.  Not making eye contact is key.

12. Place bowl with 1.5 cups of food, watered down, in the garage with Willy.  He will have already been patiently waiting his turn, outside the garage, since Sarah’s bowl was placed.  (Shoosh him when he sings because Crabby is still asleep.) {Sing along with him as you place his bowl.}

Who do you think won this race?

13.  Prepare 1 bowl with 1.5 cups of food.

14.  Prepare 1 bowl with 3 cups of food.  {1 can food, 2 cups dry food}.

15.  Release Hector from the bathroom and admit Emmi with  the bowl containing 1.5 cups of food.  She will already be waiting outside the door.

16.  Release Franky from the office and admit Mortimer with the bowl containing 3 cups of dog food {1 can food, 2 cups dry food}.  He will already be waiting outside the door.

17.  Escort Hector and Franky outside.

18. (Place 1/2 pouch wet foot plus a small handful of kibble in bowl). {Microwave wet food left over from breakfast for exactly 15 seconds, then add small handful of kibble}.

By now, William will be standing at the pill counter.

18. (Give William 1 tablet Fluoxetine in treat, escort outside.  He can be loose.) {Escort outside and give apology treat because he has to be tied up since the horses are loose.}

19.  Unplug return pump on aquarium.

20.  Place bowl with soft food and kibble in garage with DASH! . He will be sitting on the loveseat, but will dash into the garage once you make eye contact.  It is very important to watch where you are walking so as not to trip over him during his sprint.  Also, so as not to confuse him before it is his turn, be sure not to look at DASH! until you are ready to put his bowl down.

Since the beginning of feed time, Slugger will have been sitting at the pill counter.

21.  Give Slugger 1 tab Fluconozole, followed by a treat.

So much hate….

22.  Take Emmi 1 tab Fluconozole in a treat.  Once she has taken her pill, release her from the bathroom.

23.  Release Mortimer from the office.

24.  Escort Emmi and (Mortimer *loose*) outside. {Mortimer has to be tied up because the horses are loose.}

25.  Pour fish food into aquarium.

26.  Prepare 1 bowl  with 2 cups of food, and 2 bowls with 1 cup of food.

28.  Place the 2 bowls with 1 cup of food at opposite ends of the kitchen for Maude and Gracie.

29.  Place the  bowl with 2 cups of food in front of Slugger, wherever he may be.

30.  Give Maude 1.5 tabs Glucosamine.

31.  By now, DASH! will have arrived in the kitchen and is ready to be escorted outside.

32.  Clean up breakfast fixings and stack all unused bowls.

33.  Mentally try to convince Slugger that it is really not necessary to chew each bite 32 times.

34.  When Maude’s bowl is empty, give her another cup.  This will cause Slugger to move to her bowl.

35.  When Maude finishes eating the food left behind in Slugger’s original bowl, escort her outside.

36.  If and when Slugger EVER finishes eating, escort him outside.

Unhappy dogs who had to be isolated from the rest of the house when we finished our floors.  We kind of wonder what DASH! did that made no one want to share his bed…

37.  Escort Gracie outside when she is done eating.

38.  Plug in the return pump for the aquarium.

39.  (Before leaving for work, bring all dogs inside, then release horses to the arena, and feed horses 1 bucket of pellets each in their assigned barrels.)  *** See #2 for the evening feed.


Seriously people, how can feed time at the Ranch be made any simpler ?!?!?  Why does The Crabby Man have such a hard time with it????


18 thoughts on “Feed Time at Run A Muck Ranch

    1. If we did it your way Vito would eat Morty, DASH! wouldn’t eat at all because he lacks focus, and poor Slugger would die sitting at the pill counter because he knows he doesn’t eat until AFTER he gets his pill.

  1. (sorry, that was Melissa P.) I don’t feel like logging in via FB and letting an app have access to all my details. =)

  2. All is swell Melissa! ‘Tis true though… even when we *only* had 6, plus the horses, we couldn’t get a babysitter. I can only imagine the look of horror on any potential sitter’s face if we tried to get away now 🙂 Then again, if Crabby can’t feed the kids, what are the chances anyone else can…

  3. Yeah, this is also why I never go out of town. The bf has a problem with it too and wants to travel with me. Leaving someone else to medicate the cats could have a veeeeery interesting outcome. They’d probably all stage a protest and refuse to eat the entire time I was gone. Brats.

  4. Chris has the right idea, I may if I’m feeling particularly giving, use 3 rooms an split the hoards, but it would still be a dump an go.

    1. This particular comment smells of The Crabby Man. He refers to the kids as a hoard. Also, when divying treats we do actually separate them into 3 groups of 4, in 3 separate rooms, so that we can dole out said treats without starting a riot.

      But if this comment was not posted by The Crabby Man, whoever you are, you sound so close!

  5. With written instructions anything is doable 🙂 🙂 If I was closer I would volunteer to dog sit for you but the commute is a killer lol

    1. Alas, a recent development with Gracie as the routine altered. That one change has pushed everything out of whack. With the distraction of the mutiny-ing kids, I inadvertently microwaved the fish food in a metal measuring cup tonight.

      Doable with written instructions? Heck I screwed it up when one of the kid’s meal routine had to change! Like I said in the post, timing and order is key. Any deviation and it all collapses.

      Let me tell you, microwaving metal causes A LOT of sparks!

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