Farting the Dog

2 years ago,  DASH! decided it would be a swell idea to swallow an almond in the shell.  Of course, we didn’t know what the problem was until it came out the back-end.  Almonds – they don’t show up on x-rays.

 During that episode, for the first time, I saw  eyes that I had never seen before – DASH!‘s hurting eyes – and pathetic “I don’t feel good” ears .  Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t ever want to see any of my kids in any distress, but when it’s  DASH! , I am nearly physically crippled.

We got through the Great Almond Crisis of April ’10.  and thought we were the wiser, but this is DASH! we’re talking about.

A month later, same thing happened, he swallowed another almond in the shell, only this time, it cost DASH! a couple of inches of small intestine.  You think I was messed up the first time?  You should have seen me the second time…

DASH! came though his surgery fine, recuperated, and became DASH! again and we stopped being stupid people.  No nuts in the shells are allowed to cross our property line, let alone in our house.

But the Doggy Digestion Gods continue to toy with us.   Since his surgery, belly discomfort is a regular ailment that pops up from time to time.    I have rushed him to the vet over such life threatening conditions  (or so  DASH! had led me to believe) as slight constipation and gas.

Due to so many false alarms, we have taken to stocking vet approved laxatives, gas reducers and anything else you would find in an old man’s digestive problem kit.  After a hair ball crisis that occured last week, the most recent vet recommended addition to DASH!‘s digestive ailment kit is cat hairball remedy (you’ll hear all about it in the next News Bulletin…heavy sigh…).

However, there is still the problem of the discomfort until the medicines do their thing and DASH! can be DASH! again.

Here is an activity  I GUARANTEE you happens only in the home of The Crazy Dog Lady and The Crabby Man:

From time to time, one of us has to Fart the Dog. Yes, you read me correctly, we have to help   DASH! pass gas.

Unlike Slugger, who willingly, happily and without notice, emits noxious fumes so strong we have to leave the premises until it airs out,  DASH! is a polite kid.  Given his reluctance to flatulate, which only increases his discomfort,  I wonder if he has ever, at least when awake,  farted in his life before his run ins with the almonds and subsequent loss of part of his small intestine.

Farting the Dog involves making  DASH! move around so that, after a while, he has no choice but to cease and desist his reluctance to emit.

There are two methods of doing this in this house.

1.  The Crazy Dog Lady method:

I walk the gas laden   DASH! down the street, just Mommy and   DASH! .  Whatever pace   DASH! sets, I increase just a smidge.  Every so often, I  stop, get down to  DASH!‘s level, put his paws on my knee, and ever so gently rub his belly, from rib cage to tail, with a few kisses behind the ear for good measure.

When, the blessed moment arrives,  DASH! will stand rigid and still, eyes slightly bulged.  I can tell the deed has been done when his ears go back to the non-distressed position and he trots along on his merry way.  Some times we can get a ‘good one’ on the first walk, other times  it may take a couple of strolls, with a rest in between, but ultimately, the result is the same, and   DASH! is  DASH! again.

2. The Crabby Man Method:

Take  DASH! out to the back yard and walk in a circle.  If  DASH! does not follow, put him on a leash and resume walking.  If nothing happens in 30 seconds, take  DASH! to The Crazy Dog Lady and proclaim ” He won’t fart for me, you do it.”

The Crabby Man’s method causes me much confusion.  This is very same man who, without coaxing or asking, put us in debt up to our eyeballs to pay for  DASH!‘s, surgery, even lashing back at the loan officer when the man asked why we just didn’t “get another dog”.  How could The Crabby Man be so heartless in DASH!‘s future times of need?


3 thoughts on “Farting the Dog

    1. We do find outselves in ‘interesting’ situations with our dogs. We gave up on ‘normal’ a long time ago. Then again, normal might not be as much fun. T

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