Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived the largest wolf ever to walk the earth. So large was he that no mountain could hide him. So strong was he that he could take down and entire moose herd, by himself. So wise was he that when he spoke, a hush fell upon the earth so that every living creature could hear his message. The moon wept at the beauty of his howls.
It was no wonder it came to pass that he should become the Alpha Male to a great and powerful pack. He kept them safe with his big, strong, wolfyness, and in return, he had their unquestioning loyalty.
As with all that walk upon the earth, there came a day when this legendary Alpha Wolf passed away. His loss was mourned by all the wolves of the world.
Nothing truly dies, and there came a day when this large and mighty wolf was reborn, but unlike other mortals, he remembered his past life. This proved quite frustrating in the first weeks of his new life as he was already prepared to resume his position as Alpha Wolf to a great and powerful pack, but his eyes were still closed. So he waited patiently, dreaming of the day when he would once again lead a pack.
The day finally arrived when his eyes opened! With great haste and anticipation, he went to a mirror to see his new, huge, muscular, strong, wolfy body, and saw this:
“Oh, Crap!” he thought.
Not only was he reborn a mere dog, he was a tiny Chihuahua mix, with a foo foo colored coat, soft as a bunny, and his front legs were screwed on wrong.
But in his heart, he knew he was really a wolf.
Shortly after the Wolf was weaned, a human appeared and took him away. This human may have had good intentions at the time, but those intentions did not work so well for the Wolf.
The human wanted him to be cuddly. No self-respecting wolf would be cuddly.
The human kept him isolated so he could not be part of a pack. All wolves need a pack.
The human wanted him to be cute. Wolves are majestic.
The Wolf tried to communicate his unhappiness to the human, but the human wouldn’t listen. The human’s wants were more important than the Wolf’s needs. As a result, the Wolf became more unhappy, got snarly and started to bite.
Because the Wolf refused to live as the human demanded, the human sent him to a horrible place of great sadness, with concrete floors and lots of noise. There were many dogs of many shapes and sizes, some scared, some sick, some mean. The Wolf was not prepared for this horrible place, and when thrown in with several strange dogs, he did not know how to act. So he bit again and again, human or dog, it didn’t matter.
The Wolf Gods smiled upon the Wolf, and one day he was told he was going to a place called a “Foster Home”. The Wolf did not know what a Foster Home was, but he hoped real hard that it would be better than the horrible, sad place he was in.
A stranger took the Wolf to a place where they met the She Human of the Foster Home. But the She Human of the Foster Home, like all other humans the Wolf had known in this life, was an idiot. Indeed, when she first saw the Wolf she thought “Oh, Crap! It’s just a tiny Chihuahua mix, with a foo foo colored coat, soft as a bunny, and his front legs are screwed on wrong! ” She could not see the Wolf that stood before her. But she took him to her home anyway because he had nowhere else to go.
Upon reaching the Foster Home, the Wolf was apprehensive. There were already several dogs living there, half of them stupid, and 2 humans, one of them he already knew to be an idiot. But he could sence a Happy Vibe, so he decided to try to make the best of it, hiding out at the Foster Home until a more suitable pack, preferably wolves, was located.
Where the Idiot She Human did not see potential in the Wolf, the Wolf soon began to see potential in the Foster Home and all that lived there, the dogs, even if half of them were stupid, and the humans, even if the She Human was an idiot.
Sensing life at the Foster Home, maybe, just maybe, might be more preferable to leading a strong and powerful wolf pack, the Wolf set about the task of establishing himself as Alpha Wolf to this pack of dogs, half of them stupid. Much to his dismay, none of them really cared who was in charge, and none were impressed with his displays of dominance. Actually, they found him kind of annoying.
Confused at the lack of awe directed at his wolfyness, the Wolf became depressed. He did not know what to do unless he had a purpose. If he could not be Alpha Wolf, even to a group of dogs, half of them stupid, what then was his purpose in life?
The Wolf Gods smiled upon him again in the form of The Most Incredibly Stupidest Dog Ever to Walk the Face of the Earth. One day, The Most Incredibly Stupidest Dog Ever to Walk the Face of the Earth was wandering about the back yard of the Foster Home when suddenly, without warning, a demon bunny scampered in his general direction. The Most Incredibly Stupidest Dog Ever to Walk the Face of the Earth ran away from the demon bunny in terror. The Wolf, showing compassion for The Most Incredibly Stupidest Dog Ever to Walk the Face of the Earth, immediately chased off the demon bunny, said demon bunny being larger than the Wolf, the action thereby saving the life of The Most Incredibly Stupidest Dog Ever to Walk the Face of the Earth. The Most Incredibly Stupidest Dog Ever to Walk the Face of the Earth was so grateful to the Wolf for saving his life, that from that day forward, he looked to the Wolf to protect him from any threat, ranging from demon bunnies, to scary looking dogs to renegade dryer lint, among others. Indeed, he rarely left the Wolf’s side.
Seeing the gratitude of The Most Incredibly Stupidest Dog Ever to Walk the Face of the Earth, the Wolf determined his new purpose: To protect all who live in the Foster Home against all dangers, whether or not those he protected realized they needed protection. Indeed, the Wolf was mystified as to how all the dogs and people at the Foster Home made it so far in life without him!
And so it came to pass that the pack of mere dogs, half of them stupid, and the people, including the Idiot She Human, realized the value of the tiny Chihuahua mix, with a foo foo colored coat, soft as a bunny, with his front legs screwed on wrong, as a protector where none existed before. The Wolf became the greatly loved, and highly respected, Vito of Run A Muck Ranch, his new and forever family slept safer than they ever knew possible, and they all lived happily ever after.
When Vito is around, No one messes with the family, NO ONE.