Ahh, Emmi. Sweet, sweet Emmi. She would be perfect, if not for her sleep habits. Emmi has turned sleeping on the people bed into an art form that I would like to share with you.
First, let us examine the basic positions.
1. The Table: All 4 legs rigidly stretched to full length, feet pressing into the body of the human sleeper. She makes sure to be a few inches too close to the person to insure adequate pressure behind the press.
2. The Bench Press: Rigid front legs only, feet pressing into the body of the human sleeper. Distance requirements of The Table apply.
3. The Bipedal: Rigid back legs only, feet pressing into the body of the human sleeper. Same distance requirements as The Table and Bench Press.
4. The Sucker Punch: A single foot punching into the body of the human sleeper. This could be any foot, and the speed at which the Sucker Punch is delivered can vary.
5. The Puppy Cuddle: Head gently resting on the human neck.
6. The Ambush Puppy Cuddle: This is where Emmi suddenly wakes from a totally relaxed, deep sleep, sprints across the bed, throws her head on the human neck in a not so graceful manner, and immediately returns to a totally relaxed, deep sleep.
7. The Drape: Entire body draped over the human person. The drape can be performed anywhere along the human body.
8. The Reverse Puppy Cuddle: A combination of The Puppy Cuddle and The Drape, only it involves the back end, specifically, resting on the human neck.
9. The Cuddle: Feet facing away from the human person, back and head stretched to full length to get maximum human/Emmi contact. Emmi’s head can be facing the human’s head or feet.
10. The Reverse Cuddle: Feet facing toward the human person, knees buckled.
11. The Sleep Kicker: Reverse Cuddle, but with attempted outstretching of any or all legs, kicking the human person at random intervals in foot random orders.
12. The Perpendicular: Full out cat stretch – front legs extended above head, back arched, back legs stretched back, positioned perpendicular to the existing human bodies, or where the human bodies would like to be.
13. The Roll and Flop: From The Cuddle position, this is a 180 degree flip, legs stay where they land.
Now let us look at how these positions affect her human bed mates:
To be completely honest, The Table, The Bench Press, and The Bipedal … not so bad if she happens to hit the right pressure point on your back. But if The Bench Press or The Bipedal happens to be on the face, not so pleasant. Less pressure seems to be applied to the face with The Table and all 4 feet are in use, but only 2 on the face. Also, The Bipedal often becomes The Sucker Punch, suddenly and without warning.
The Sucker Punch is a little annoying, especially when it is a slow Sucker Punch to the face where it pushes your cheek up past your forehead, or you end up with a foot slowly entering your mouth. But it is preferred over the fast Sucker Punch anywhere else, especially sensitive areas. A well placed Sucker Punch will knock the wind out of you.
The fast Sucker Punch is different from The Sleep Kicker in that there is no potential pain involved in the latter. But the kicks are just enough to wake you up, with bonus random kicks continuing at the perfect intervals timed to just when you are about ready to fall back to sleep.
I *Love* The Puppy Cuddle! EVERYONE loves a good Puppy Cuddle! But, when it becomes an Ambush Puppy Cuddle it has a tendency to startle any human bed companion that is sleeping. Either way, Puppy Cuddle or Ambush Puppy Cuddle, you can be assured it will be rotated into The Reverse Cuddle with a Sleep Kicker eventually.
The Reverse Puppy Cuddle brings on dreams of smothering on the part of the human if said human is not awaken by Emmi getting into position. Also, no offence, Emmi, I love you sweetie, but…. I really don’t want your back end that close to my face!
The Drape is great on cold nights, provided it isn’t over your breathing apparatus. Also, ribs draped across the neck gives one the feeling of of being strangled. She did once attempt the more difficult maneuver, The Reverse Drape (draped across, but laying on her back), but for whatever reason, I am not aware of her repeating it.
The Cuddle is great too, but it usually ends up in The Roll and Flop. Not so bad if she is cuddling to your lower body, but if she is too close to your head, you are guaranteed to wake to a front or back leg flopped across your face.
If Emmi is in The Perpendicular before the humans go to bed, someone has to sleep on the couch. You would be AMAZED at how long she is when she stretches out. You wouldn’t want to wake her from a dead weight sleep in this position lest you unleash The Sleep Kicker, or the Sucker Punch in retaliation for the rest of the night.
If humans are already in bed, and Emmi wants to do The Perpendicular, she does The Sucker Punch with a slow rotation. Usually, by the time she reaches full Perpendicular, whoever is stuck with the back feet Sucker Punch has already taken his or her pillow to the couch. If you try to prevent The Perpendicular in this instance, you will feel the wrath of the Sleep Kicker or Sucker Punch for the forseeable future. The couch option is just easier for all concerned.
And to think there was a time when she used to sleep in a dirt hole. She certainly sems to have adjusted to domestic life…